Scientology Tom Cruise Butt Plug story from:
subsidiary Holesome Fun Incorporated, the world's largest manufacturer
of sex toys, over the company's alleged unauthorized use of his image
on its new Mission Insertable butt plug.
Mr. Cruise is also demanding "the immediate and complete withdrawal"
of the Mission Insertable butt plug from Holesome Fun's Dark Side of
the Moon catalog and from any and all persons "currently harboring"
"My client is tired of being the butt of jokes about his sexuality,"
said Mr. Cruise' attorney Marvin Keister. "The Mission Insertable butt
plug is offensive not only on its face but also in its subversion of
an orifice that Scientologists believe is next to godliness.
"L. Ron Hubbard taught Scientologists to respect their large-and their
small-colons as the pathway to better physical and mental health; and
although Mr. Cruise endorses regular high colonic cleansing and
Vitamin K enemas, he is offended by the notion of butt plugs in
general and of those with his face on them in particular."
Trey Guccione, CEO of Holesome Fun, responded angrily to Mr. Cruise'
"Like I'm sure Tom's never been shitfaced before," said Mr. Guccione.
"He can take his lawsuit, hold it sideways, and stick it where the sun
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The device at the bottom of this controversy is a 3-inch silicone
statuette designed to be inserted into the anus and rectum for sexual
pleasure. A butt plug can be inserted during sex or it can be worn
while its user is gardening, shopping, or attending the theater.
Butt plugs, which can be worn by men or women, gay or straight, were
invented in Greece about 350 BCE. Since then butt plugs have been worn
by historical figures (Alexander the Great, Hannibal, and Julius
Caesar), musicians (Tchaikovsky, Boy George, and Mick Jagger), and
opinion shapers (Gertrude Stein, Barney Frank, and Matt Drudge).
George Washington is rumored to have been wearing a wooden butt plug
when he crossed the Delaware to attack the Hessians at Trenton. That,
according to some Washington scholars, explains why he was standing up
in the boat during the crossing.
In related news, 17 percent of the respondents to a recent Postcards
from the Pug Bus poll believe Tom Cruise was fired by Paramount
because of his penchant for wearing butt plugs.
Boycott Mission Impossible 3 petition:
Revoke The 'Church' of Scientology's tax exempt status petition:
Petition to revoke Tom Cruises citizenship: